The time I was mistakenly interviewed by Lorraine Kelly

 A few years ago I was booked to do a piece about oval bites on this morning, I turned up nice and early to prepare, whilst Lorraine Kelly's section of GMTV was still on air, ITV weren't expecting me to arrive so early, and some confusion ensued. Lorraine was due to interview comedy sensation and friend of Peter Kay, Patrick Mcguinness. Unfortunately Patrick had arrived late, and the Lorraine producers mistook my good self for him, and ushered me out for the interview, I assumed they'd pushed me up the schedule to fill a gap or something, the error didn't really occur to anyone for a while, what with my thick Geordie accent and her thick Scottish accent no one had a clue what we were talking about.

Some of the questions included:

"So, are you going to film another series of pheonix nights?"
"Yes, sometimes I work nights, if we need an extra pair of hands to get the baguettes ready"
"What's it like to work with Peter Kay?"
"Ah, yes, when I was 17 I did spend a summer working on a farm, but I'm afraid bailing hay didn't come under my duties"
"What do they think of your success back home in Bolton?"
"I met Michael Bolton once, he came into the shop once for a lunchtime meal deal, nice chap"
"When is take me out back?"
"You want me to take you out the back?"
"December the first?"
"I fail to see the relevance of Damien Hurst in all of this"
"Is it a fun show to film?"
"No, I got the train down love"
"Have you got any plans for the future?"
"We're opening a new shop in Bradford next month"

By the time we cut to a break and I took my leave a confused Patrick was stood at the side of the set, I explained to him the situation and he found it quite funny, in fact we kept in touch, you may have noticed he stars in our advertising campaigns.

It's the only way to live

 In March 1979 I was at a sausage roll convention in London, it was a fairly dull affair, even for a baker extraordinare such as myself. Whilst in the queue for the buffet I got chatting to a peculiar looking chap, he was wearing a suit with a blue tie and appeared to be wearing eye liner. He was an eccentric fellow, his name was Gary, but we really hit it off and at the end of the convention he offered me a lift to the station. It turned out to be something of a slow lift, we were stuck in traffic for a long time, at one point Gary honked his horn at the car in front, the passengers of the aforementioned car did not take it well and proceeded to exit their vehicle and come towards us. Luckily Gary locked the door, but they spent some time trying to pull us out, before eventually we drove on to the pavement and around their car and made a break for it. As we arrived at the station Gary exclaimed that the incident had given him a great idea for a song, I wished him luck and thought nothing of it, but by the turn of the year the song was number one.